Broken – Escape

It’s the hardest thing to do with a Narcissist. They feel entitled to you forever. But certainly harder when they live so close. The parking games aside I have pretty much moved on but I have these intuitions and feelings that are hard to suppress. I am an analyst. I notice patterns and things. It’s like shutting off like the main engine and running on limited power.

It’s the hardest thing to do with a Narcissist. They feel entitled to you forever. But certainly harder when they live so close. The parking games aside I have pretty much moved on but I have these intuitions and feelings that are hard to suppress. I am an analyst. I notice patterns and things. It’s like shutting off like the main engine and running on limited power.

Because when I actively try to shut it off and she gets anxious, she shows up. I came home from my run the other day and there she was with her friend sitting prominently in the restaurant, in my building. I was not looking for her, I notice everyone that sits in there. It was deflating. I hadn’t seen her face in about 7 days. But I notice when I go that long she makes a harder effort to be near me.

Quite frankly I am surprised by her friend. Darcey pointed out to me at some point she knows that she is creating drama. And why would she want to be a part of it. She knows that I live there, she knows that I am a decent person. Why would you enable the antagonist. It all made kind of sad. Like I just want to be done already. It would be the one restaurant you would never want to set foot in if you were Hailey or her friend that knew what happened.

Anyways I ran into that cute blonde girl the other night while walking my dog. She immediately recognized us. I didn’t recognize her right away. We talked for a bit and I know have her name. And she thanked me for the suggestion of the restaurant said she has been back 3 or 4 times already.

All I can continue to do is just do me. It really hasn’t affected me much until yesterday. Just had a moment of enough already. Tonight I am going out with Darcey. So I will have a good time and shake this out of me.

I read an article the other day it’s about being an empath or trauma survivor or both. It talks about the heightened state of awareness an empath and the similarly trauma part. I have been turned up to 11 since that day Hailey told James that she was having an affair. That was three years ago.

Every time I seem to settle back she reminds me that she isn’t going anywhere. It’s exhausting. Her life and the fallout from the craziness. Rebound time. Though. Beautiful day a long run and fun night ahead. Time to put the latest setback behind.

Broken – Intent

The term actions speak louder than words has always been something that has stuck with me. But I still feel like ‘Intent’ speaks louder than both. People fail with words all the time.

The term actions speak louder than words has always been something that has stuck with me. But I still feel like ‘Intent’ speaks louder than both. People fail with words all the time. They even execute poorly with actions as we are all flawed. But intent is pure. There is no execution with intent. It’s what motivates us to act or speak.

The narcissist is a master of hiding their intent. They mask it all kinds of different ways. Sometimes it’s thinly veiled because they want you to see something but not everything. Sometimes it’s opaque so you never can guess.

But the reason they mask it is because their intent is anything but pure. They also do it so they can’t be held accountable. Everything is your fault. “You misread me.” “That’s not what I meant.” “I don’t remember it that way.” See the game is to give themselves any available outcome.

They need that room to continuously gaslight and rewrite history. Unless you are extremely close to one you probably would never notice. You just feel like something is a little “off”.

Plus intent is nearly impossible to prove for their victims. How does one know what is in their head and hearts. Even though, trust me, we do. And it’s nothing good.

I love using Trump examples because they are so obvious and everyone can connect with them. One of his famous moments like this was “There were fine people, on both sides.” This was his statement after an innocent woman protesting was killed in Charlottesville. That protest was solely against white supremacy. Those opposing are clinging to white supremacy. Both sides? Huh? What were the sides he was talking about… no clarification. Where you talking about the white supremacists? No clarification. More gaslighting.

The press scrambled to get clarification from him, his staff anyone… What did he mean by that? Is he saying what we think he is saying? Then they rushed to other politicians for reactions to this statement. But to this day we never had clarification on what he truly meant. We all had to make our own version of it.

Why because he masked his intent. He used words that could be parsed and he would change the narrative little by little. To continue to mask his intent. But he never ever clarified. And he was never held accountable for saying something like that. Why because the people who aren’t buying his BS were like “are you fucking kidding me?” The others who were buying it “well he didn’t really mean it that way.” No consensus.

It was his way of saying a woman died that is tragic because he is supposed to say that. Even though he could give a shit. Then his ego wants to keep the admiration of those white supremacists so he says something twice removed from “I like you if you like me” most called it a wink and a nod. And it’s true it was. But what was the intent does he really like them? The answer is no he doesn’t, he doesn’t really like anyone.

But his narcissism really likes their loyalty and admiration from them. And he offered a sliver of it back to them. A 1/1000th of a return so they will continue to be loyal to him. So he still couldn’t betray his ego in order to condemn what he knows is wrong.

But by using a clever phrase he left himself just enough room to say that’s not what I meant so he could appease those who needed cover (mostly Republican law makers) and then say more or similar phrases to reinforce his original statement to the likes of the Proud Boys. So months and years later everyone is still guessing what he meant. He even doubled down at some point by saying “Stand back and Stand by”. Another phrase the press had to try to pin down and couldn’t.

Now the rest of us moved on with our lives at some point. While he continued to be President despite having said some of the most awful things anyone has ever said from that office. But could deny he meant it because it was masked.

Imagine a person in a relationship with someone like this. Never knowing the intentions of that person. Hearing these phrases almost daily wondering how they truly feel. And them playing a game with that because truth be told they never know how they truly feel either. But what their true intent is, is to protect the ego and to continue to assert control and extract fuel. That is always the real intent.

So when the press scrambled to figure out what he meant. He had already achieved his goal. He had control over the issue, over his fans, and over his haters. The love from the people who he said were fine and the vitriol from the left and his haters. Mission accomplished.

But when it’s someone doing this personally as you are the constituency of one it becomes harmful, hurtful and most of all abusive. And here is the thing because of these clever phrases it continues to allow them to have plausible deniability and mask that evil while they rip your soul to shreds.

My love of music has been having me flag some songs that I believe are about a narcissist. And this one is from Bruno Mars called Grenade. Maybe I will break this song and others down in a future post. I am going to leave you with just a few random lyrics from the song…

Easy come, easy go, that’s just how you live, oh
Take, take, take it all, but you never give

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did

Tell the devil I said “Hey” when you get back to where you’re from
Mad woman, bad woman
That’s just what you are
Yeah, you’ll smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car

So he basically described the self centered jekyll and hyde nature of a narcissist. Lack of empathy, entitlement, and especially the uneven giving/taking are all present. But he even took it once step further in the final chorus he adds “still”. Not present in the other choruses. And even in a song probably unaware of what he is describing. He gives the full cycle of Narcissistic abuse including the addiction after being treated like trash. –

But darling, I’d still catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
You know I’d do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)

And in the video he is pulling a piano uphill trying to climb out of a dark tunnel carrying the weight of everything with him just to get to her only to catch her with another man. And that my friends is what it is like being and even exiting a relationship with these people. Whether it was his intent to capture all of it or use the piano for that specific metaphor it works perfectly. Well done Bruno.

Broken – Sex Club

Figured I just would out it right off the bat. That’s right Darcey and I went to a sex club. I am going off the rails this summer. But truth be told it was a nice experience even if I was a little nervous and not really ready for it.

Figured I just would out it right off the bat. That’s right Darcey and I went to a sex club. I am going off the rails this summer. But truth be told it was a nice experience even if I was a little nervous and not really ready for it.

The place was nice, well kept and had a night club feel. Other than you know the rooms for sex that were well attended to and the fact you could have sex right in the open oh and the people dressed like they were at a sex club… it was like any other night club.

We had no expectations going in to the evening. We had thought about the fact that we might have sex with relatively perfect strangers but were not obligated to. And everyone there is nice. You need consent even if you had previous consent again if you went back for seconds or thirds you needed to ask each time. lol.

The thing is now that we have gone to a couple of different experiences Darcey and I are in no mans land with matching up with others in this world. We are too young for most of the crowd and then the left over pieces we are a little older than. You are either 50+ and comfortable with everything or young and brave people.

There were only couples there that night. Which is typical. The club tries to maintain a balanced male to female ratio. And the easiest way is to limit it to couples. The issue of the night… There were far more attractive women than men there. This actually surprised me. And even though she would have taken one of the team for me. I wasn’t about to subject Darcey to someone she was not attracted to. We are compounded by the fact that we both look 10 years younger than we are… perhaps 15 in that lighting.

It didn’t take long for me to realize I was not quite ready for a full experience quite yet. As I watched a woman get fingered by a man while in his lap right in front of me. She was sexy and wore pretty much nothing but a skirt. But they were also a little full of themselves. Exhibition aside you could tell they liked themselves a little too much. But realized I am a little behind the curve.

We danced a little I watched a girl give a guy a bj then get bent over on the dance floor. It got relatively wild at some point. But as much as I was not ready I was comfortable in that environment. Nothing made me blush or freak out. Including the girl in rope suspension or even when I noticed one guy getting pegged and spanked by his Domme in a corner.

I realized a bunch of things that night… like voyeurism turns me on not at all. I never got excited watching someone else in any activity. So just by being there I was learning something. I also studied the environment and realized when everyone likes to play. How things happen. But for the most part very few people played with someone they didn’t come with. Surprising but they have only been open a few weeks since being shut down by the pandemic. I think people are just trying to get their footing back socializing. Even the pervs and kinksters.

For introverts like Darcey and I, it was already hard. Being out of practice for settings like this it is going to take some time.

I also realized there are three big ifs regarding my willingness to fully participate… 1. If we see a couple or single girl we are attracted to and 2. if we connect with them and 3. if I have the right amount of lack of sobriety or lowered inhibition I will participate.

The problem was none of those ifs were happening that night. As number 3 can affect numbers 1 and 2 that ‘if’ was crushed by the fact that we waited at the door for a long time.

This was terrible for me. The anticipation and hallway lighting and lack of atmosphere sobered me up fast. It took far too long to get back any buzz or level of intoxication that lowered my inhibitions. Typically I don’t need much but the timing was off for liquid, or another form of enhanced courage, to help us break that initial ice.

We spent most of the evening observing but had a great time. Towards the end of the night we decided to go to a room and have sex with each other. We left the curtain open and let people watch us, my idea. This I did not mind at all. Not sure if I was turned on because at that point I was soooo tired and finally drunk so it was kind of a blur. But we put on a decent show. And some people enjoyed it. It was a great way to kind of break the ice for it without going beyond my comfort zone.

I do want to go back again. More prepared and a little less nervous and anticipating. After all it really is nothing more than a night club where you won’t get arrested for having sex. And they provide as clean and safe an experience for you to have those experiences. Kudos to those who run it. At no time did I feel like it was seedy or gross or anything less than a place I could go to and feel like it was ok for me to be there. Everyone even had to have a vaccination card to get in.

I swore off night clubs in my 20’s tired of the testosterone and toxic masculinity that comes with the territory. This was anything but. Just mature adults looking to have a good time. It was refreshing actually and way more than interesting and happy and proud of myself for going.

Broken – Fitting In

Sorry I haven’t posted lately. I just had a busy week. I went out pretty much every night this week. Had some interesting experiences. Went to a vanilla party at a restaurant with a group from Fetlife.

Sorry I haven’t posted lately. I just had a busy week. I went out pretty much every night this week. Had some interesting experiences. Went to a vanilla party at a restaurant with a group from Fetlife. Just curious and was there to meet people. Not sure where that goes as there is some extremeness in the group. But honestly the nicest group of people. I got way too drunk for a Tuesday night.

Then I went to a dive bar the next night to watch the NBA Finals. And met this blended family. The group leader, that’s what I am calling her, came over and chatted me up. She was with her husband so it wasn’t that. But we got to talking and I knew her husbands son, they are remarried. My kid and his were in elementary school together. When I mentioned I had a kid that was graduating high school soon she went crazy. ‘There is no way you have a kid in high school’ she said. Then preceded to tell everyone in her party. It was flattering and embarrassing all at the same time.

Then last night was karaoke night. I need to find a song. But it was good people watching. Darcey and I went and it was fun. That was three nights in a row of drinking. Except I really paced myself and barely drank last night. I also chatted with a Dad friend I know. Both our kids are musicians and we were checking in on each other. He is a total ham and did Lady Gaga. Too funny.

But in all of this an interesting dynamic a conversation occurred. It manifests itself in frustration and essentially it’s about fitting in. I fit in everywhere but I think that also means I fit in nowhere. I can go to a party for kinksters but am I one? Barely. I can hang out with the karoke crowd because I love music and will let loose a little. But am I going to take over the night? (Some girl did a full split behind me and then twerked it out) Ya I am not that. And then the dive bar. The guy and the woman basically were saying we know why we are here… But why are you? And they meant that complimentary.

Since high school this has been my thing. Sometimes I hung out with the headbangers, sometimes the jocks, sometimes the nerds. I was all over the place. I marched to the beat of my own drummer. But this drew some haters. Wish we had that word when I was a kid. I don’t even know why. I was different but not so different. I think the inability to categorize me or to ‘clique’ me frustrated some. Because it may have seemed inauthentic of me to hang around when I didn’t look or be fully vested into that crowd. Who knows.

Truth is I just like the differences in people. I want to talk about music and concerts but also about the football game. Then if there is some sort of nerdesque pop culture thing happening I want to go there. Although as many haters as I had, there were those who liked this about me. But I never truly found a home but I had three close friends I could mostly count on. I was almost always with them during social settings. But every now and then they would exclude me. I am not sure why.

I never cared but and I am not experiencing the hate anymore, but my social circle is small and it’s always been. But I am examining myself. I would like to branch out more but it fights that INFJ aspect of needing deeper connections.

Those reasons in that link are precisely why I find socializing difficult at times. Especially the ones about needing time and not making the first move. I so identify with this-

1. We’d rather not make the first move.

Approach someone first? No way. This can feel next to impossible for the INFJ. We prefer to have people come to us in order to engage. As natural people-pleasers, we never want to make anyone feel “put out” and will go to great lengths to ensure this doesn’t happen. So we simply prefer to watch and learn first. Since the INFJ is very intuitive, observing others’ nonverbal cues and habits allows us to better understand what makes them tick before we approach them.

The issue with the above is this can take forever. Meeting people sometimes can be a fleeting moment and if analysis paralysis kicks in that moment can be gone. I had a surprisingly social week. But why did I feel frustrated or disappointed? I think because no deep connections were formed. Is that necessary though? Maybe it’s not me having trouble fitting in? Or just the expectation or desire for it to manifest into something else? I had a good time each and every night. Even now I am over thinking these experiences. My god self discovery can be exhausting.

Broken – Sleepy

o my battle with sleep has taken an unexpected turn. I went from struggling to get to sleep to struggling to stay awake. What gives? I did change my sleep aid but that shouldn’t impact me so much throughout the day.

So my battle with sleep has taken an unexpected turn. I went from struggling to get to sleep to struggling to stay awake. What gives? I did change my sleep aid but that shouldn’t impact me so much throughout the day.

I had a thought… is my body finally catching up with the rest of me. Is it finally letting all of it go. Sometimes the mind precedes the body. For a while I was hyper-focused on the damage done by Hailey. Lately it’s a bigger picture thing. It’s about shaping my mindset moving forward.

After a bad marriage and a terrible relationship where is my head and heart at for the future? This is the question that dominates me. Maybe there is peace at arriving here. I am reflective of the damage done by both relationships and what that means to me moving forward.

I have even had thoughts of do I even want a someone special in life. Or do I rove from companion to companion with more of a focus on myself. I do and don’t like being alone. I lean towards wanting a partner. But right now when I get up in the morning… I am the only person that needs to account for my time and what I do during the day. And that is appealing.

But where this leaves me is in a state of uncertainty. And that I don’t like or haven’t been comfortable with. However based on the fact that I was able to sit on the couch last night snuggle with the little princess (dog) and fall asleep tells me something. I am not sure what yet. Perhaps a level of contentment that I haven’t had in a while even with the uncertainty. Sometimes this sleep happens to me but it is usually on a weekend when I am just flat out exhausted from the week.

I will say I am happy with myself for recognizing this change and being self aware to try and give it some meaning and purpose. To want to know what is going on with my mental health. My best guess is that sub consciously I am letting go of my past. I have had quite a few reconciliation dreams lately. And sometimes that person inside needs their voice heard just as much as our conscious self.

I sensed a change coming from a few weeks ago, I think that little relapse fend off and some frustrating moments this past week are actually good for me. It was more of an annoyance than a setback. And maybe that annoyance is me like oh would you just give me a break. Allowing that moment that we all have where we throw up our hands in the air turn around and walk away for good.

This isn’t just about her. I made a change and some progress on the ex-wife front as well. Or at least started something. We will see. I am cautiously optimistic. It is starting to trend in that direction.

Footnote: You can see one of the Frenchie’s eyes are open on the picture. And yes this happens. I never know if she is watching me or just has an eye a little open because of how she is sleeping. It is creepy AF.

Broken – Intimacy

Darcey and I had a funny conversation the other day. Centered around oral sex and the fact that I keep telling her she should be an intimacy coach. She understands all the nuances of intimacy… feel, touch, eye contact, sharing, sounds… pretty much everything

Darcey and I had a funny conversation the other day. Centered around oral sex and the fact that I keep telling her she should be an intimacy coach. She understands all the nuances of intimacy… feel, touch, eye contact, sharing, sounds… pretty much everything including the connection.

But she is also smart and not probably giggly enough to help and teach someone. But I am fascinated with intimacy. As we do crave the physical pleasures of just sex, but just the physical only last in the moments. It’s the intimacy the deeper feeling that will make us want more and have the moment last with us longer. It make us more whole. Or at least that is what I think.

I feel like most people aren’t comfortable with it. Looking in someone’s eyes while you are buried within them or vice versa is a vulnerable state. Staring into someone else’s eyes can be tricky. If there isn’t a comfort level with that kind of intimacy.

I remember all those lonely sexless years of marriage and it was really intimacy I missed. Someone so attracted to me they wanted to spend that kind of time with me. Intimacy can even be there for one night. It can even be there in pound town or very physical sex.

Connecting with someone on this level makes ok sex good, good sex great, and so on and so on. You don’t even need to have sex to achieve intimacy and sometimes that can form a deeper connection.

But I am going to steer this back in the direction of the “blow job”. This is where I appreciate an intimate touch the most. I know I have used this term before a bj is like pizza it’s never that bad. But I have had some interesting experiences.

The toothy one. The one where you feel like you are on the ragged edge of being skinned alive. A white knuckle ride from hell. But you never stop it because well you are getting some.

The over achiever. The girl who is trying to make you cum in 3 minutes as if she was in a contest. Trust me this is not what most men wants unless the situation called for it. I do have a sensitive spot that can get it done with efficiency. But you need to go up the hills of the rollercoaster to go down them. The anticipation, the act, the visuals all work for you. Unless you want to get it over I suggest against this or save it for when he is ready.

The sloppy. Some people like this. I don’t know, it’s not really for me. Maybe sometimes during role play or extreme dominance. But it is like you are right out of a porn. All the spitting and jerking and chaos… It’s hard to ‘feel’ what is going on.

The intimate one. For me it’s the perfect one. I have had some just memorable moments here and it’s been when women take there time, make eye contact. Essentially someone making love to your dick. It is beautiful, intimate, erotic, and feels amazing. You can never go wrong here.

Honorable mention: hanging her head off the bed face fuck. It is a little bit different than a straight bj. But I love this. The sheer dominant position you are in. You can control so much. Including how much control you give her. Free her hands, pin her hands, access to her body. Face plant and you are in a 69. It’s sexy as hell. So many options and you can do whatever the mood fits.

Broken – Fending off The Relapse

I have had the tendency to want to out the truth again. I want to bring the happy couple to their knees. Not because I want to hurt anyone but because I want justice. It’s been the hardest notion to fight.

I have had the tendency to want to out the truth again. I want to bring the happy couple to their knees. Not because I want to hurt anyone but because I want justice. It’s been the hardest notion to fight.

I should have probably known this about me all along. I was fascinated with Superman above all other superheroes when I was younger. The most pure, fair, maybe even naive super hero ever. He had to be, he had almost unlimited power. He could be police, judge, jury and executioner.

But he was always Superman (Kal-El) and his alter ego was Clark Kent. And that is what makes Superman unique. He was born Superman. I love how this is described in Kill Bill. Basically he says that Clark Kent is his critique on the whole human race. Weak, Unsure, and a bit cowardly. While not a direct analogy that is what I feel like some days with this. I have to put on the costume and let it die.

And it reminds me because lashing out or “being Superman” all the time is easy. Wouldn’t it have been easy to be just Superman all the time? He doesn’t… why? It must be hard to suppress all that power. Powerful men everyday wake up and wield it like a proud sword.

It’s because of empathy. It takes empathy to hold back your power. To refrain from hurting someone a little just to gain a little. Maybe wielding this power helps my temporary mental state. But what happens after? Once the tooth paste is out of the tube.

The truth is I don’t stand to gain a lot just a little. And that is not worth exposing my Superman or alter ego for that matter. But there are days that I just want her gone for good. The anticipation and desire become so high for it. To watch her slink out of this neighborhood in shame.

And Hailey does deserves whatever fall out there would be. Truth and justice will have it’s day but just like Superman I can’t force it to happen. I can’t rush to justice just because the last few days I have been triggered.

I think the victory is that I recognize this early on and immediately change my behaviors. Instead of indulging by making myself present and inviting the conflict that I know will be bad for everyone but worse for them. I force myself to focus on my well being. It still frustrates me that I have to take the higher road. While justice waits, it should be served quicker. People should know there are people like this and they should be exposed for who they are so they don’t continue to pile up the victims and heap abuse.

I should never have to convince anyone of my plight it should be quicker. She is entitled to move a guy in two buildings next to me, date him, and frequent the same places I do. But that entitlement is what makes her a fucking asshole and a narcissist. And allows her to attempt further abuse.

And that I shouldn’t have to point out to anyone. Not all is fair in love and war and if you believe that than you would also believe that I should ruin their lives. And like a narcissist who paints people good or bad… I am painting this story as the same, but with the comic book like spin. There are no two sides to a story with a narcissist just one… good vs. evil. I will try to live up to those standards even if I come across a little kryptonite.

Broken – Something Irked Me Yesterday

I was just doing some work and noticed something in my news feed. I am sure I need to have a chat with the algorithm because it shows me quite a bit of women who make splashes with sexy social media posts.

I was just doing some work and noticed something in my news feed. I am sure I need to have a chat with the algorithm because it shows me quite a bit of women who make splashes with sexy social media posts. Or maybe I need to stop taking the bait. lol!

But there was this post from Paulina Porzikova. For those that don’t know she was a supermodel in the 80’s. I have probably have perused a few issues of her in Sports Illustrated. She is 56 now and has been taking some sexy pictures lately.

So yesterday she kind of “broke the internet” with one. I have no problem with her being nude or her promoting feminism. But here is what she wrote… “I was bored, which led to this celebration of narcissism, the naked selfie.”

And here in lies the problem. Not many people know the true extent of Narcissism. I know this is going to sound singularly viewed, because of my experience, but I now believe that it’s nearly impossible to really know about narcissism until you have been a victim or have studied victims.

People with other disorders likely “suffer” from their own behaviors. Narcissists do not. The mechanism of NPD is always there to protect them. To keep them from feeling like a bad person or damage their ego or hold them accountable for anything they have done wrong. They do feel shame but they don’t correct it. They rage.

They are only accountable if it suits them or if it will make them look better. And they will only apologize to gain an ounce of credibility back. Once they do it’s back to the gaslight. Trust me they are never wrong in their own eyes. They are never hurt like you and I. They get wounded and that turns into rage to be thrust upon someone else.

Look no further than Donald Trump. I don’t think anyone would doubt he is a narcissist. But they don’t know to what extent that affects his behavior and how much of a priority his narcissism is. For him it is all encompassing. He is a lesser Narcissist in that he doesn’t know what he is. And he wears it like a suit. Most of the higher narcissists are far more subtle. But there he was… lost an election. And for the good of the country he should have conceded and participated in a peaceful transition of power.

But his ego could not allow that to happen. Let me say that again his ego could not allow that to happen. He believed any fantasy story someone would tell him about voter fraud. Including, wait for it, from the My Pillow guy. That was who he was getting a lot of information from. Now if you never experienced it and I removed you from this reality and told you what happened you would laugh your ass off. But the truth is, it’s not funny.

His Narcissism led to violence, distrust, and a faction of the country ready to run the rest of us of the rails just to appease him. They don’t care about reality, facts or anything else. But you see these people are victims of narcissistic abuse. They have been gaslighted to the point that they think they are special and entitled and that Donald J. Trump will make sure they get what they are entitled to. And those people will live in the world the narcissist creates for themselves until they realize they are no longer living in the reality the rest of us are. I know I let Hailey get away with a ton of shit because she was “for me”.

This is the most obvious example I can provide for people to understand just the minimal extent of what chaos narcissism can cause. And look at the damage he has done with it. And these aren’t people in personal relationships. Some of the people who stormed the Capitol are claiming they were victims of fraud. Led to believing a lie told by him and perpetrated by a friendly media.

Now let’s swing our focus back to Ms. Porizkova. This is not the only time she has used this term. Here are some other quotes-

  • “Today narcissism is king and constant self-improvement is queen”
  • “I’m definitely a narcissist, and TV is fabulous for narcissists.”
  • “Paulina’s poignant post came just days after she opened up to her followers about how hard she was finding it to post day-to-day content from her life without it feeling ‘narcissistic.'”

I read some of the comments from her post that cheered her on. A bunch said she was being authentic and I have heard this about Trump as well. People admire them for being unapologetically themselves. But I can assure you there is no authenticity in a Narcissist. They want you to see what they want you to, not who they are. Baring a body is not the same as baring your soul. And narcissist have no soul.

I am not sure she even understands what narcissism is. Look at that last quote. Or even the one she put out yesterday. We all have narcissistic traits. We like admiration, we like being thought of as special. Some of us would even love to be entitled to certain things. VIP treatment if you will. And maybe this is what she was referring to.

But here is the difference with indulging in the narcissistic trait vs. being a narcissist. Is that most of us have empathy and that empathy keeps us from putting those narcissistic traits above hurting others. We don’t leave a trail of victims to support our narcissistic tendencies. We recognize truth, fairness, and ethics. Narcissists do not. The rules apply to the rest of us but not to them.

So our narcissistic traits allow us to relate to a narcissist. So when they exhibit one or have a small sample size it might been seen as natural behavior. And some might even wish they had the “courage” to behave that way. But it isn’t courage at all and this connection most of us make is what helps them pile up the victims. It’s “normal” or even admired behavior so it’s on the victim to carry the burden of that abuse. And it makes it impossible for the victim to call out the abuse. How is “normal” or admired behavior abuse?

I have read Paulina may have been a victim of narcissistic abuse from her late ex husband. However that should give her plenty of empathy or enough knowledge to recognize that narcissism should never ever be celebrated. It minimizes the abuse everyone has suffered at the hands of a narcissist. If she isn’t a narcissist then use a new word in a celebration of feminism or life or vanity. Anything else will do.

I think what was disappointing is how few people commented or recognized her use of the term. I wish the mental health experts would get on top of this. Figure out a clever way to unmask this disorder to keep from perpetuating the behaviors and help elevate victims instead of protecting the potential “Narcissistic Patient”.

Because that potential “patient” is likely creating 10 fold more in victims. They also don’t typically seek therapy. And if they do, they don’t walk in saying they are a Narcissist. I hope for the victims to come that this changes. That their recovery is made easier but a better understanding of the terrible impact of narcissistic abuse.

Broken – Back to Reality and Day Whatever

I am pretty close to never venturing out and looking for Hailey. It is hard to not to notice when she is close. Which happened to be right in front of my building again yesterday. But it was about 6 days in between seeing her which was great!!

I am pretty close to never venturing out and looking for Hailey. It is hard to not to notice when she is close. Which happened to be right in front of my building again yesterday. But it was about 6 days in between seeing her which was great!!

I think that was too much and she decided she would venture closer. It’s sick. Something happened between them yesterday and I am not sure what it was. It is immaterial at this point but the fact that I can see it and sense it from my vantage point demonstrates how terribly close all this is.

The weekend was really good. I had a great time on the whore tour. But it was marred with just awful weather. The town was slightly empty probably because of the Holiday. But we had a great ‘getaway’. I was so drunk Friday night I can barely tell you what happened later that night. But we were out in our little swanky location having great drinks, food, seeing and being seen.

We ate and drank so much I gained about 5lbs. Good thing I can absorb that. Friday was great. We went to a favorite diner of mine for brunch. Then picked up some edilbes. lol. We worked out then went to dinner. Dinner was amazing I got a bone in filet, didn’t even know there was that. And we had a great steak house dinner. So yummy.

Then we headed to the lounge and people watched on Friday night. We were at this lounge for 6 (that’s right) hours. We had some edibles and it was mellow. Not the reaction we wanted but we took one before we had that great meal and then one after. I am not a big on pot but every now and then. It’s funny the high and the drunk cancel each other out a bit. So I drank quite a bit. The table next to use had 3 separate parties come through.

The first was 4 attractive women in their 30’s. One was barely wearing anything. They were there enjoying each others company and it brought a smile to both Darcey and I. The next was a group of 20 something obnoxious girls. Who kept taking selfies. They were dressed for attention. One girl was even wearing lingerie as her outfit. But it was fun to watch. The next group was obnoxious period. Just a group of young privileged kids who were loud. One girl in the group kept flashing that night so I did see some boobs this weekend. Haha.

Before this Darcey said she would be my wingman. I think both of us were too stoned to make “something” happen but she is the best wingman. As she couldn’t whore me out we ended up having sex and I railed her both nights. Just so everyone knows we affectionately call each other whores. Based on my surprising number of dalliances this past year. She even tried to count the number of escapades this weekend. And she might be right I think I did “whore” it up a little. It was a little embarrassing as trying to count it all up proved to be difficult.

I need to detox this week. Lots of running assuming my foot cooperates. Grrrrr. My friend Christy had a relapse with her Narcissist. And hers is going on year 3. They broke up 3 years ago. He made a fake FB account to antagonize her. And made some ridiculous assumption her and I were dating (we never actually met in person). He messaged me on social media as well. I didn’t engage and blocked him. But just ugh. I have my own narcissistic drama. But also seeing the use of social media to trigger their victims just awful.

It’s a reminder of what I am dealing with as well. Darcey and I were discussing this at one point and were noting that it is more dangerous for the female while engaging with Narcissistic men because of the physical dimension. That being said people are less likely to believe me in regards to the abuse. “How could this nice pleasant person abuse you.” It is probably more believable I am stalking Hailey vs. her stalking me. “How could a beautiful woman stalk you?” It barely seems believable. But if you shadowed me for a week you would know.

Anyways. Things are going decently. I have had setbacks with this but for the most part I am on course to break my habit in 21 days. I wanted to detox from any reaction to her but it’s just not possible to get far enough away at this particular time to make that happen.

Broken – Whore Tour

Doing something different here blogging live. Darcy and I are out having some fun. It’s only 7 on a Thursday and we are drinking or drunk at a swanky lounge.

We are discussing sex, life, relationships, and sex… 🤣.

Hope all my readers have a good weekend and maybe even whore it up a little. We deserve this. Especially after all this time I am inside my building walking to get takeout and there is Hailey holding her guys hand walking his dog lingering in front of my building. WTF!

I guess this weekend came just in time. We don’t know where this night will go but hopefully it will be fun.

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