Broken – Bromance

So I am noodling over a post because I can’t get my thoughts clear on it. So I figured I would reach out whilst twisting it to death. It was a funny I had another elevator/Darcey moment last night.

I went to pick up some new counter stools, because I didn’t like my other ones. By the way… I am basically a girl. Decor matters to me. And not like I am the only guy that it does but I spent at least 2 hours hunting for the right candle tray. Just sayin… But it was a very masculine one… ok! I am also a nurturer by nature. I actually remember telling Darcey I wasn’t “a total vag” when we first started talking and it segued into sex. To which she died laughing and we laugh to this day about. Normally I establish my affinity for feminism before using a term like that.

Anyways enough about me being a girl… I went to a restaurant after to grab a quick bite and talked to Darcey on my way home. I told her about how some guy chatted me up. I said I can’t pick up a woman to save my life, but guys love to talk to me when I am out. What is that? We spoke about running and he was a really good runner in high school. I told him about a run I had recently and how I hit a runner’s high. That only happens like once every 50 runs or so. And we talked about life and the importance of self care. Anyways he said it was one of the best talks he had in a while, thanked me, offered me a shot (I politely declined), Then shook my hand two or three times.

I told most of that to Darcey on my walk home. We laughed. We also talked about eating pussy and then someone nearly ran me down with her car the woman apologized I said “no problem, and thank you.” For letting me cross the street. Darcey was horrified thinking that woman heard me talk about eating pussy. I said no and we laughed some more.

I arrived back at my building grabbed my stools and on the way to the elevator I stopped for this couple to let them on, while holding my box. (trying not to giggle with the box comment after calling myself a vag).

So Darcey goes quiet I ask what floor they are on and I stab the number with the corner of my box (totally giggling). Before the guy could get out “we can get that.” He then said “that looks heavy”. Then said “well you are a big strong guy so I guess not so much.” I said “it’s not that bad, but did arms today so not so good either.”

I wasn’t a half a second off the elevator before Darcey started to tease me about the man love that I just received. She was like “you are such a little whore, why don’t you just advertise you work out.” She couldn’t stop teasing me and laughing at me. She even’t teased me already twice this morning. The bro love I get is funny. The elevator experiences are making me think I should have my own show of elevator snippets.

This isn’t meant to be sad, but I commented last night. I wish I could see myself as the world does. Then we laughed and said I would be even a bigger whore than I am. But truth is maybe I am overly self aware or not self aware enough. Who knows it is something to explore… maybe. I appreciate my humility. I don’t think I am that insecure but maybe just not as forward as I could be.

This isn’t just about meeting women. It’s about meeting people in general. There is an INFJ thing that is such a blocker. Don’t want to burden anyone with their time. Someday I may figure this out, if I don’t I will still be ok but it would be nice.

Broken – Fitting In

Sorry I haven’t posted lately. I just had a busy week. I went out pretty much every night this week. Had some interesting experiences. Went to a vanilla party at a restaurant with a group from Fetlife. Just curious and was there to meet people. Not sure where that goes as there is some extremeness in the group. But honestly the nicest group of people. I got way too drunk for a Tuesday night.

Then I went to a dive bar the next night to watch the NBA Finals. And met this blended family. The group leader, that’s what I am calling her, came over and chatted me up. She was with her husband so it wasn’t that. But we got to talking and I knew her husbands son, they are remarried. My kid and his were in elementary school together. When I mentioned I had a kid that was graduating high school soon she went crazy. ‘There is no way you have a kid in high school’ she said. Then preceded to tell everyone in her party. It was flattering and embarrassing all at the same time.

Then last night was karaoke night. I need to find a song. But it was good people watching. Darcey and I went and it was fun. That was three nights in a row of drinking. Except I really paced myself and barely drank last night. I also chatted with a Dad friend I know. Both our kids are musicians and we were checking in on each other. He is a total ham and did Lady Gaga. Too funny.

But in all of this an interesting dynamic a conversation occurred. It manifests itself in frustration and essentially it’s about fitting in. I fit in everywhere but I think that also means I fit in nowhere. I can go to a party for kinksters but am I one? Barely. I can hang out with the karoke crowd because I love music and will let loose a little. But am I going to take over the night? (Some girl did a full split behind me and then twerked it out) Ya I am not that. And then the dive bar. The guy and the woman basically were saying we know why we are here… But why are you? And they meant that complimentary.

Since high school this has been my thing. Sometimes I hung out with the headbangers, sometimes the jocks, sometimes the nerds. I was all over the place. I marched to the beat of my own drummer. But this drew some haters. Wish we had that word when I was a kid. I don’t even know why. I was different but not so different. I think the inability to categorize me or to ‘clique’ me frustrated some. Because it may have seemed inauthentic of me to hang around when I didn’t look or be fully vested into that crowd. Who knows.

Truth is I just like the differences in people. I want to talk about music and concerts but also about the football game. Then if there is some sort of nerdesque pop culture thing happening I want to go there. Although as many haters as I had, there were those who liked this about me. But I never truly found a home but I had three close friends I could mostly count on. I was almost always with them during social settings. But every now and then they would exclude me. I am not sure why.

I never cared but and I am not experiencing the hate anymore, but my social circle is small and it’s always been. But I am examining myself. I would like to branch out more but it fights that INFJ aspect of needing deeper connections.

Those reasons in that link are precisely why I find socializing difficult at times. Especially the ones about needing time and not making the first move. I so identify with this-

1. We’d rather not make the first move.

Approach someone first? No way. This can feel next to impossible for the INFJ. We prefer to have people come to us in order to engage. As natural people-pleasers, we never want to make anyone feel “put out” and will go to great lengths to ensure this doesn’t happen. So we simply prefer to watch and learn first. Since the INFJ is very intuitive, observing others’ nonverbal cues and habits allows us to better understand what makes them tick before we approach them.

The issue with the above is this can take forever. Meeting people sometimes can be a fleeting moment and if analysis paralysis kicks in that moment can be gone. I had a surprisingly social week. But why did I feel frustrated or disappointed? I think because no deep connections were formed. Is that necessary though? Maybe it’s not me having trouble fitting in? Or just the expectation or desire for it to manifest into something else? I had a good time each and every night. Even now I am over thinking these experiences. My god self discovery can be exhausting.

Broken – Whore Tour

Doing something different here blogging live. Darcy and I are out having some fun. It’s only 7 on a Thursday and we are drinking or drunk at a swanky lounge.

We are discussing sex, life, relationships, and sex… 🤣.

Hope all my readers have a good weekend and maybe even whore it up a little. We deserve this. Especially after all this time I am inside my building walking to get takeout and there is Hailey holding her guys hand walking his dog lingering in front of my building. WTF!

I guess this weekend came just in time. We don’t know where this night will go but hopefully it will be fun.

Broken – Blind Sided

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

In the aftermath of my time with Hailey I made plans with Ashley. I remembered telling something to Hailey. That I dated a little and was beginning to understand my value to people. I wasn’t trying to be arrogant but I wanted her to know that in some eyes I was a catch. Maybe to make her jealous a little bit. But more about that I was becoming aware.

When you think about it, I really hadn’t dated before Hailey or much during. It really had been 20 years in between dates. It was hard to know if I was attractive, who I was attracted to. I did know I was very attracted to Hailey, for better or worse.

But Ashley was also a catch even if it was on the casual side. I made a trip down to see her. My first she would always come to my place. It was easier. But she was excited to have me down.

She showed me around and it was nice. She made snacks, we ate and talked. Then she did that thing I loved from her… Meekishly asks if she can suck my dick with a little grin. She always takes off her bra she loved not wearing it and would alternate between taking me in her mouth and rubbing her breasts on me.

It was a little slice of heaven. I had her climb on top of me and she rode me hard. It was such a great visual her breasts bouncing with each up and down with the consumption of my cock. She came, I came it was hot. I am pretty sure her neighbors heard us.

We had a great night and I went home that evening and just laid in bed. I was hearing less from Hailey as she indicated things were boiling over at home and then suddenly one morning she said. “I told him.” I was shocked. I said what was his reaction. She said anti-climactic. It is probably because this the fifth or sixth time that those words have been spoken. She didn’t have more details but she said that her communication might suffer. I totally understood but was nervous about it.

About a week had gone by and Ashely and I were trying to make plans. I had asked her a few weeks earlier if she wanted to watch a Playoff Basketball game and she said “no thank you” I didn’t understand at the time. But ok. Then this time she knew I was watching the game and I said “Ok.”

I was excited. I liked company during the game. I can be social and watch. As the day went on she texted me “How about we make plans for another day?” I said “Ok” not thinking much of it. Then the next day “I don’t want to hang out anymore” Not context or reason. Just WTF! I told her that hurt a bit. She said sorry and that was basically it. I am sure she could sense what was going on. Or maybe she wanted more time. It was almost an hour drive back and forth. But still… That sucks and it was so abrupt. Usually you get some reason or warning.

Broken – Away

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

Hailey was going away for a week with James and the kids. Then after a few days back they will go again. Our conversation was a little strained from the fallout of her cancelling and the subsequent conversation. I think she was more bothered by it than I was.

Really I just wanted to know where I stood with her. It was a struggle for almost a year to that point. Probably even longer but she always told me she loved me and was in love with me until that time that she asked for space and slept with that guy.

Since that point “I love you’s” were far more inconsistent. I hadn’t heard it since the text fight. I tried to keep it peaceful. She was trying to make a point showing how busy she was.

Although I always knew her busy was self induced, due to her socializing with a bunch of different people. Which is fine but that is a hard way to come back into my life. We saw each other 6 or 7 times in 2 weeks, then once in the following week or so. I know better but gave her the benefit of the doubt that her life was a little challenging on her way out the door, again.

This would give me some time to date even beyond Ashley. May as well have some fun. It was strange I had 2 women but neither exclusively. So I went on a few dates and started to notice a pattern.

Hailey would start texting me on Friday or Saturday nights around 9:30-10. Was she trying to..? Wait I think she is trying to catch me on a date. She knows that if I don’t respond to her right away she will have an idea that I was on a date. This bothered me for many reasons.

Mostly that she could shut this down anytime she wanted. Just by committing to a future with me. Or giving me a small amount of time. I don’t like uncertainty. And the fact that she was upset for me dating, event though she would likely deny it, without giving me certainty. Pissed me off.

It had the opposite effect on me of the one I am sure she intended. I ignored it, answered when I got to it. And never addressed it. But I could even sense the attitude through it. Her goodnight’s were even a little cold. And sometimes she wouldn’t say goodnight unless it was Friday or Saturday night.

But I knew she also couldn’t say anything. She had dated when I was at home trying to get to her. And I am sure this drove her crazy. It is never easy to taste your own medicine. But boy did she earn it.

Broken – Drama Comes Quick

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

Hailey and I had probably seen each other 6 or 7 times in just a few weeks. Then she made plans with me for a night after she had dinner with a friend. She would have dinner and come by for about an hour.

She still needed to dodge James. That morning she said. ‘Would you hate me if I canceled tonight.” She was still going to dinner but she said she hadn’t seen her kids in a couple days. Of course I understood, but this was about the third time in just a few days she canceled on me. And about the fourth time overall. She kept asking me to see me and then was not available. Was she trying to do too much or was she just blowing me off or worse??

I didn’t like the way it felt. It was all similar to what happened in January. But I wasn’t going to say anything. Then she offered “I know you feel like I am not prioritizing you.” I replied. “I have no idea what you are prioritizing. You have never said where I land in your priorities.”

We went back and forth a few times she said she was overwhelmed and said she hadn’t seen her kids in 2 days even though she lives with them. But I understood but I also asked which is it? Are you overwhelmed or you haven’t seen your kids? I sniffed a little BS. But wasn’t really getting to the real answer so I tried to put it to bed. And to cap this off from her end she wrote this…

I love you. I adore you. However I am not sure I will ever have the time and attention that you need. I have so many people requiring my time and attention. I feel incredibly overwhelmed and exhausted. I don’t and can’t prioritize anyone over my kids. I think if you understood how often I need to change plans with friends, family, and clients you would know it’s a form of self care not throwing aside of anyone. I know my limitations and when I’ve spread myself too thin. It’s that simple.

I tried to be understanding but as you could see there was something I immediately noticed in there… where was I? I guess I am with friends, extended family, and clients. It was all very hard for me to swallow. It seems rational on the surface but I was a priority once to her. So I know exactly how much time she has. But I wanted to diffuse it. I wouldn’t argue when she put her kids in there. I would love more time with my kids. So I get it. But something still didn’t feel right. They were at the beach as a family almost daily since she came back into my life. It didn’t feel like she was lacking for quality time. I replied…

I think I am missing articulating my point. I don’t require a lot of time and attention. The fact that you had to cancel is fine, in and of itself, but you asked me for my time. And I would never ask you to prioritize me over the kids. But I did ask you if it was too late. Already sensing that might be a hard mark to hit. The kids weren’t part of the discussion at all and you said no. When you speak to me you say you want time with me, you want to walk or garden or golf together, take a vacation etc. It’s hard to reconcile in terms of your feelings with what you say and what actually happens. That’s all I was trying to say or figure out.

This would eventually diffuse but I asked to talk about it in person and shelf it for now. I don’t think these types of things ever get resolved over text. Although I was going to have to wait. They were going away for 2 weeks and I was just going to need to be patient.

It nagged me though. I almost wanted to tell her to forget the whole thing. I could sense the contradiction. We used to just meet for a kiss. I would have been fine with that. I also don’t like when people have different rules for themselves than they have for others. If I ever cancelled on her, marriage or not, I would have heard about it with significantly less understanding. And I was done with it and had enough with it at that point. I don’t think she was realizing that my trust was sketchy. Or even acknowledging that it had a significant right to be.

I just couldn’t believe we were here already again.

Broken – Giving It a Try

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

In the wake of my mini explosion over Hailey’s boundary crossing, something she apparently loves to do or never recognizes, I kind of took a break. I just tried to focus on myself. Things got better really locally and Outdoor dining started to open up.

Spring and on the cusp of summer it is always a good feeling. I was running quite a bit thinking about Hailey often. Is this how I need to reconcile this relationship? By myself? Ugh. I don’t know, I am in uncharted waters. I haven’t had my heartbroken in this kind of way since my early 20’s. It was different than what I experienced in my marriage because it was a slow burn over years and we were no longer in love and that still hurt like hell. What was this?

Dreams and sleepless nights would come. And even though it was on my mind I like to stay in motion and not wallow. I need an action plan typically. Most of my “therapy” time came in the conversations with Jennifer. I would ask her about her relationship with Gregg and she would ask about Hailey.

It really was a fortunate well timed placement of a person in my life… thanks Universe! I felt fortunate. We had the same sense of humor and could talk about sex like it was the weather. But it felt more friend than romance. That being said we talked about just giving it a try.

I think we both kind of new that we would tread carefully that this wasn’t probably going to end up in a long term relationship. So how do we keep the friendship in tact. The fact that neither of us thought this was long term was never outwardly discussed. Just a feeling or ‘vibration’ between us.

But we were both lonely adults with needs and we got along so heck… why not? I went and visited her the first time. It was a 4 minute drive that is how close she lives. We just talked and hung out. It was refreshing. Even though we were supposed to start seeing where it goes. We never forced it. It was going to happen organically.

We hung out for a little while longer I hugged her goodbye. No kissing no nothing really. This would happen a few more times we managed a kiss in one of those and it was a good one.

Then one night I got a text from her that said. “I am a little horny do you think we could try?” It was later but still early enough. I got dressed and 4 minutes later I was there we talked a little then snuggled in her bed. That snuggle turned into kissing and more kissing until our clothes were off.

We had sex a couple times that night and I went home late. It is strange I don’t remember our sex well. Almost as if as a friend I can’t think of her in that way. It’s so strange and hard to articulate. And wasn’t bad at all. I remember it being good but none of the details I usually do.

We seem to be able to glide in and out of this with our friendship as if they were two different components but also we were able to talk about it. Nothing was weird. So I think our friendship my survive this.

I am not sure if it would ever be more or could ever be more because of the timing and both of us were still in love with other people. But we would continue to spend time together and it was fun and light. Kind of what the Dr. ordered.

Broken – Where do I go from here?

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

In the aftermath of Hailey’s revelation I didn’t know what to do. She still said she wanted to see me and made plans with me. But I was trying to figure it all out. And then the first night we were together we had this sort of great night I went over to help her wrap presents for Christmas and then at some point after several drinks she told me she didn’t want sex. We were drunk and crying and emotional. She told me that she had no romantic feelings. I was crushed all over again.

I was screaming and crying. She was crying. She said all guys ever want from her was sex. I said. What are you talking about? It was not even worth the fight. I put her to bed and laid down with her. She whispered mostly drunk it’s ok we can have sex if you want. I just said “No Hailey. I love you. I am hurt. But you go to sleep.” She drifted off and I went back to my AirBnb. And then we had a long text conversation the following day. It’s best you hear it right from our mouths…

Me: Lot of ground covered I was happy to be there for most of it. Sad people make you feel a certain way sad I made you feel a certain way. But I think I understood that you don’t have romantic feelings for me so… I am just dealing.

H: That’s not true

Me: Well you don’t know. On the other side of that. It feels like a no. Or you can always tell me what is true to you.

H: What is true to me is I was waiting waiting waiting. Wishing you loved me enough to speed things up. Then i decided I should date other people. It’ll be good for me. I did very little. One guy who I went out with ten whole times but I didn’t really like him. Then very recently a guy asked me out, right after I felt incredible disappointment over how things were happening with you. I was so excited about the idea of going away with you even during a work trip. I just wanted time with you. But you see I went on a date with someone who sparked my interest so now here I am.

I was so excited about the idea of going away. I wish you had taken the time to care for that let down. I felt so foolish. And I just got a blah blah blah about the crappy Airbnb I’d have paid for a hotel. I had told james I was going away for a training. I had made the plans on my end.

Me: I know I am sorry I was caught in between excitement and reality and I got ahead of my skis when I asked you I thought it was going to be manageable when the logistics came out it didn’t seem it. I need that job and contract. There is pressure to be a team player and not being at the AirBnb as ridiculous as it sounds is a bad visual. I am terribly sorry I didn’t take care of me letting you down. I didn’t even now you made plans on your end. Life was also falling apart too for me and moving 6 gazillion miles an hour. I hurried as fast as I could and I am sorry it took me so long. There is nothing more I can say… But I am sorry you felt like you waited so long. You met a guy that sparked your interest. I said ok well what can I do except the things I can control. And that was to make an honest effort by you and let it land where it lands. But if you don’t have a romantic interest in me right now. All I can do is just pick up the pieces.

And I did love you enough more than enough more than anything really. And I did leave. I did it in a way so I wouldn’t have to look back.

Later that day after a long break of getting beat up at home and her asking me about my day…

Me: I just feel like such a piece of shit to everyone right now. I just got beat up for about 2 hours. I am sorry. For everything. Work trip, The second night I was in the hotel, the waiting. All I here at home is what a terrible father and husband I was to leave she even said you are like your father. And it’s fine I have a new beginning but it stings. Especially on the impact on the kids.

And it hurts so bad because all that trying to do the right thing here never mattered. You were there willing to love. And it is all very fucking heartbreaking. But I am still determined to be ok and I still feel good about me. Even though it’s challenging right now.

I dropped off again but this time I didn’t want to talk but she implored me to answer over and over again finally…

H: Can you tell me how it’s going. I am struggling here.

Me: I am not sure what you are struggling with?

H: Just what I am doing.

Me: I don’t know what you want me to say… I am not going to tell you everything is ok. So I am not sure what you want to know. You aren’t clarifying anything with me. All I can guess is that you want to date this guy, you don’t want to be romantic with me while you are doing it but you want me to be your buddy and be ok?

H: No Matt.

Me: Then I don’t know what you want from me? I have asked a bunch of different ways. I asked you if you want time… I thought you said yes. I asked if you had romantic feelings you said I don’t know. So I am not sure how to reconcile all that.

H: Ok I’m hurting too you know. I need time. I waited for so long. I wanted you to tell a friend. Your mom. Tell your wife. I just wanted something to happen. I fell in love with you and could hide it from no one. But that’s me. I don’t think I’ll ever fall in love again.

Me: I told a friend and will tell my mom in time but I don’t want people to judge you and I don’t want to hurt people. I don’t want them to carry a burden with that truth. I am over the moon About you and I want to share it with everyone. My world is small I don’t have the friends you do. If I told my wife… I mean look at my life now she would try to keep the kids from me. I am here I left my marriage and family so I could have a chance to be with you. Back in February when you started pushing James to get divorced you and him said November then in April you had an opportunity to sell the house and you saw an opportunity to get away from him so you did and suddenly life moved fast.

You used to tell me you would be patient and you were. You settled in August. Less than 3 months later I left home and less than 4 I will be in my own place. We already agreed that you wouldn’t sit and wait you would do your own thing back in August. So we took that pressure off then. You met someone you like and that is why we are where we are. You are using the waiting to alleviate that decision you are making.

I am sorry Hailey and I am not saying you did anything wrong. But that is what is going on. I apologize for disappointing you recently but the mistake I made was trying to make work trip happen and that second night in the hotel work. And not be honest that it was more than I could handle at the moment. Why i feel terrible that I did that I wanted to deal with my crap so I could get to you and my new life ASAP. But you met someone. So…

And I knew what this potentially meant for me and how much it would effect my life and yes it took a little time and courage but I did it. I want to get through this, there are times I am going to need to be sad, and it hurt, and I make mistakes but I am human. The one thing that has always been consistent is my love and dedication to get to you. I worked so fucking hard this year to make it happen.

H: Matt we met in February by May I was so over the moon in love with you I couldn’t hide it. It scared me. I waited so long.

Me: This patience conversation is one we should be having if this happened and I didn’t leave home. But I did. And you did this after the fact. I don’t want appreciation I don’t want anything just wanted the time.

And with everything said we had to both make sacrifices to get here. And so I am only saying this because it’s not about the patience… we both needed it in different ways. You had to be patient with waiting for my freedom and I had to be so I would be able to live and I had to live with your freedom which wasn’t easy at all.

H: My heart is hurt.

Me: Why? You are doing what you want to do. I don’t know why you want me to be ok with it. I don’t even know what you want me to be ok with.

H: I don’t know anything right now

Me: You are free to do what you want you are not obligated to me or to make me feel good about it. I appreciate your patience and I offered you my freedom. It is what it is. I even acquiesced on continuing to date other people. But you left me unresolved. Were you expecting me to date you without romantic interest? To borrow a phrase what did you think we are just going to go out and eat salad?

H: Xo I’m going to sleep. I’m emotionally drained. Having a rough day.

This is a great summary of that time in our lives. There is alot that I even missed but I found this conversation and it covers it all. I just wanted to make sure she got the narrative straight.

Broken – Spring Forward

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

In the aftermath of our overnight we were still ducking James. He would go in and out of caring and not. I would meet Hailey typically before therapy. A quick conversation and make out session. It was getting deeper. Hailey was starting to work on healing and her future.

I was working on it in a very different way. We all have traumas and mine was as a kid, hers was both as a child and as an adult. We both had very different adult challenges but the big picture was similar. In being tethered to a spouse who vacated our marriages for years. This bond helped us connect even beyond our naturally wild chemistry.

There would be times we would even arrange just seeing each other in public without actually talking just acknowledging each other with a smile or a look. On some level I am sure it seems insensitive to those around us who we cared about. But it really felt innocent and sweet. Things that should happen for or to people. While our spouses didn’t deserve it, we did. If that makes any sense.

In this space in our relationship it was getting more meaningful. We would get into so much about our lives. We knew about each others children. Hopes and dreams. Likes and Dislikes. At this point in my life I know Hailey maybe better than anyone and she knows me probably better than anyone as well.

I watched her in what I thought was her being brave. Taking action and changing her life. I was in admiration. She would do something and think about it or deal with it as it came. My approach was to plan think through the scenarios take calculated acceptable risks. I tried to let her be her, but I was never sure that she would have the patience to let me be me.

Hailey and James moved for the third time in 4 years when i met her. Anytime the marital problems would bubble they would just move and think that a fresh start would help. I tried to explain to her that is akin to running away the problems don’t stay with the house. I am writing this as reinforcement of the flip side of leaping before you look. At the end of the day you do need to take a leap of faith. But why try to leap 100 feet when you only have to leap 10. I think she was getting it. But I was always concerned about the decisions she made but nevertheless supportive. I was nervous for her as the sale of their home approached. June is right around the corner and I was nervous for us as well. What comes next?