Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue
Hailey’s birthday is in the fall and for reasons beyond my understanding she had made a big deal about it. Not that I am against making it a big deal. But considering where we were in life it seemed arbitrary on the actual date vs. making sure we had an opportunity in the not to distant future to celebrate it. I guess that is my grounded nature coming through.
We had spent most of the fall already back and forth between threats of her independence and our love. She asked me to see if I could get out for her Birthday. I knew this wasn’t possible and told her as much, besides I could feel my departure bubbling. I never clued her in on how close I was at this point just in case I wasn’t quite ready. So I never said anything about a date because she would be disappointed if that date came and went.
We were getting close to the peak of her frustration. I did go over and visit her the day before and brought her a gift for her new place and a home made lunch. She was really thankful and cried. James would take her away and buy her expensive jewelry but he never thought about her in the personal way I had. But I wondered no matter what was done was it going to be a disappointment?
I kissed her goodbye and knew it wasn’t going to be the last I heard about her Birthday. She always has this sadness around it. Then the next day I finally get the text I felt was coming. “You know I am mad at you.” Of course I asked why if I didn’t know the answer. “I asked you out”. I knew it would be even silly to try, if I was this close to leaving doing something like this would have only made it painfully obvious what I was up to.
So later she said “I am out alone.” “Swiping right on some guy 2 miles away.” “No picture… is it you?”. I think she had to say this in case it was me. But I said no and nothing else. She pressed me the next day. I said I don’t know what you want me to say. It stings. I said sorry. Here I am apologizing for her being on Tinder. Jesus!
Every time she did this it crushed me a little. I knew in my heart she had been out on dates. But why treat me this way. She already felt entitled to do what she wants. But why make me feel awful? I mean I was either going to be free or not. And clearly she wasn’t really waiting. She would tell me if she went out on a date she felt like she was cheating on me. I told her maybe you should explore that and it’s your feeling not mine. Don’t ask me for my support on this. She even in the course of that fall. Asked me rhetorically “you never want to share me do you?” Ugh. Of course I don’t! I love you!
But even the next evening. “I love you Matt.” “Goodnight.” Then next morning “Good Morning Matt.” She really loved to use my name. To her she liked the directness. She hated when someone said “love ya” or an abbreviated version.
But what is the point of all of this… oh yea- Here she was questioning my love for her but shouldn’t I have been questioning hers?