Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue
In the wake of a really good weekend for me. I just went through some old drafts that I had just typed up. I had been doing translations of the manipulations for “fun”. But I never published as I wanted to set the stage of the narcissistic abuse cycles first.
My weekend wasn’t without a Hailey sighting though. I did go out to watch a hockey game at a bar. And of course she was there. I did see her by herself before I went in. I thought about it for a few minutes and decided I wouldn’t let this stop me anymore. I went in sat 2 stools from her with no one between us. I had some food and a couple drinks and watched the game. I was aware she was there but that was it.
While it was not on purpose I don’t mind if she feels uncomfortable in my neighborhood. She should. She should have a long time ago. Her mood was not good. But the food was excellent. 🙂 I had a reaction to her that lasted maybe 4 minutes. It felt good I am almost completely unaffected.
It is also good to put up these reminders for me. They don’t tear at the scars anymore. But serve as positive reinforcement for me. A reminder of how strong I can be that after just months of being in love, having my heart ripped apart in spectacular fashion. And having been manipulated for months after, I could sit 7 feet away from it and enjoy my night. Old post starts here…
I have a pretty good BS detector but a very forgiving heart and looked way past some of the obvious and not so obvious things. So let’s break one communication down so we can see what she is really saying. This message was that one where she was telling me she would except other invites. This is how I translate this message today as I call out her BS (in bold).
So there is a lot here. First, James has said many things to me in regards to me “convincing” him he should pick me or we should be together, and therefore fuck me for now choosing otherwise. –I am a victim of the choices I make. Even though they are mine and mine alone… she had a bad marriage but she chose what she wanted to do about it.
I have the weight of your marriage on me, I want to see you, I would like to see you. – Your marriage and you potentially leaving it is a pain in the ass to me and actually pretty inconvenient. But I still want you to leave.
Not seeing you can be annoying. But if you hurry along in fear of my patience wearing out, and then I’m like, “nah, we’re not going to work” then fuck me for hurrying you along. – So you are disappointing me by not being more available a mere 5 weeks after my separation. I know our plan is to see each other a few days a week. But my patience is short and you should feel pressure to leave but if you do I will be the victim if it doesn’t work…. This was pretty clever.
Then, there is this, I like you so much, you seem quite perfect for me except for the fact that you are opposite of what/who I am normally drawn to. This makes me sigh with relief at times and other times I panic like, it’s because you are opposite of everyone who has broken my heart but does that work long term. If someone told me, i really like you but I need to see other people to make sure, I’d be like fuck off shit head. –This one is my very favorites… You are special but not special enough to wait a tick. So because you are different I need to audition other people to see if I actually do like you. But if you did this to me I would tell you to fuck off. Oh and in all my breakups I am the victim even though I left two marriages. It was their failures not mine.
And I’m not sure that’s really why I want or think I need to but something in me is saying don’t commit to anything til you can take a breath. I know you’re not asking for commitment and you are not even separated but still I think this is the time to accept an invitation if presented with one, but don’t worry, it’s not happened for months. Maybe this stems from a declined invitation, I kind of wish I’d accepted just because I haven’t had one for a long time. How am I doing? I love you, I like you, I enjoy you, even the bits of you that make me roll my eyes are endearing. We have good chemistry. I’m looking forward to next weekend. xo – So maybe I won’t commit to you, even though I told you I loved you and want to spend time with you and I know you aren’t even asking for it. But I want you to be uncertain about me because you are not separated. So that way you hurry. Furthermore I get lots of invitations (strange word to use isn’t it) so I feel like I want to because it’s good for me and it’s ok that it will crush you inside because i like you and love you in spite of your flaws.
When a person is manipulating you they often use words to their advantage so they can disguise their truer meanings. Also a narcissist is masterful at trafficking in these gray areas for plausible deniability in the messages they send. Even this one was an email when she could cleverly craft out her manipulation. And this quite honestly was as clear as she would ever be. Which is kind of scary. Except during the love bomb phase where they are clear in their love for you.
But I didn’t catch it and I knew her so well. None of this message has empathy, or even remotely close to something looking at this other than the “if someone said this to me”. This email was entirely about her… even that statement was about her reaction in my shoes. Not what my reaction should be. No apology, no I hate doing this to you, not even recognizing that I might be free someday and there are consequences.
Furthermore a Narcissist will always muddy the waters. She is really telling me over and over again… Leave your marriage, but if you do don’t blame me, and I might not be available for you cause I want to audition others. But I love you so hurry up but hurry up and don’t expect me to be there. I mean the back and forth in a few paragraphs is astounding. Narcissists will always give you contradictions and mixed messages. But they soften language just enough so you don’t detect their truer meanings.
By the way she had said I haven’t accepted an invitation in a while. But the weekend she was mentioning in this very email was an invitation for overnight to a dinner and casino…. FROM ME! Jesus Christ. How did I not point out that stark contradiction. Lol!
A interesting read not apples to apples here but you can see what I mean through another lens when Narcissists speak their own language.