Broken – What do I do with Myself?

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

I think I mentioned this before but I feel like I am in this weird in between state of life. Half out of a marriage, half into my single life, half post Hailey. That’s three halves Matt… I know but it feels like that somedays.

Ok I will stop talking to myself. The reality is I spent most of my free time working on myself, or working, or just recovering from emotional shit. I feel free but I have not settled into it yet. But those things have become routine and now I face what to do with my freedom.

I literally have not been this single since my early 20’s. Even over the summer and the parts where Hailey went back to James I somehow knew that it wasn’t over.

So here I am completely free. It feels good and scary at times. I had a conversation with a friend Christy (Not Darcey or Jennifer). She has gone through something almost identical to mine, left her marriage for an affair with a narcissist, and for whatever reason we have kept in touch but have only spoken through text or phone. Ironically when we met we didn’t know our affairs were about to abuse the shit out of us. Anyways she called and said the other day “I am dead inside Matt”. “I don’t want to love but I need and want some meaningful sex and companionship”.

Since then Meatloaf is stuck in my brain. “I want you, I need you, but there ain’t no way I am ever going to love you… 2 out of 3 ain’t bad.” And the entire popular songs of his catalog just really repeat this theme. “Paradise by the Dashboard Light”, “I Will Do Anything for Love”, “You Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth”… It’s all about the precipice of love and either crossing the line or not crossing it. But the moments leading up to it and the potential consequences.

Jesus Meatloaf what were you going through? Just as an aside… the fact that he was in Fight Club cancels out is name for me. But my weird state is kind of like a reflection of Christy and Meatloaf’s feeling. I am emotionally available but just not for love at this moment. That is why they call narcissists love thieves. They rob you of your past, present and future love.

But unlike Christy I feel like I will eventually open up again. Maybe even someone opens the door who knows. But when you hear these songs one of the truer parts to them is the angst in them. You feel how torn he is. Meatloaf the prophet!

It’s how most of us feel when we are in between something. Some days I am so happy to be by myself. And don’t want to let that go. Others lonely desperate for some “Paradise”. But all the while still wanting to maintain my independence. It all leads to angsty nervous energy sometimes.

Somedays I feel like I want to be alone and then after an hour or two I want to get out. Such was a night recently. And this bartender (female) got Darcey and I drunk. But totally hitting on Darcey. First experience with that. I was invisible. They spoke for about 5 minutes on what she wanted to drink. I said I would have another. Ya.. Darcey got her drink within 30 seconds. Mine came about two minutes later. We had a good laugh about it. I digress…

All I know is there will be some meditating and soul searching in all of this. And Meatloaf is in regular rotation as I do. Very catchy songs and maybe a little embarrassing for a grown man to listen to? But I don’t care it is also making me nostalgic for the teenage years when I first heart this music and immediately recognized that girls loved it.

Makes me think I should go to a karaoke night and hit some “Paradise By the Dashboard Light” for the ladies. But that is an 8 minute song. I am sure as an introvert it would be a epic moment or a epic fail. Nothing in between. Being on display for 8 seconds is rough… 8 minutes. Just ugh. Also what the fuck would I do during the baseball part? Anyways I leave you with his Opus…