Broken – 21 Days – Day 6 but back to 1

That’s right I am starting over. Why because I saw her multiple times yesterday. My body reacts to it there is nothing I can do about that. It only lasts a few seconds and then goes away but it’s there.

Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

That’s right I am starting over. Why because I saw her multiple times yesterday. My body reacts to it there is nothing I can do about that. It only lasts a few seconds and then goes away but it’s there. It’s a monumental leap from losing sleep in March and April. I am not looking for her. My strategy this time is to do what I always do but stay away from the area in front of his building.

The only time I will go is on my run. But I did see them on my run yesterday so there is a risk. I can keep going until this dwindles down to nothing but I don’t know when that will be. I don’t feel stuck or beholden to this. I don’t even need to do what I am doing. I make plans without this consideration. I look forward to my future and life.

Nothing is causing me to seek it out right now. It is just happening because of our proximity. It makes it damn near impossible to not cross paths. He is on one side of me she is on the other. To get out of my area, I have to cross her path or his. Why? I am literally surrounded by water on 3 sides. I can’t drive more than a .5 mile without being in a body of water.

They say with a narcissist “when you know you go” and “get out and stay out”. The problematic dynamic is if you had kids with one. Typically they count on the ability to create physical and digital space between a victim and a narcissist in order to maintain a No Contact Regime. That is what I have been and am attempting to do now. The trouble with No Contact is it is supposed to be no visuals, no drive by’s, walk by’s, messages on digital or otherwise.

But in assessing my situation it can be a failure not to recognize her ability to inject herself. Every time I have tried to rid her of my existence she shows up. Facebook, Instagram, emails, texts, and dating apps. I have blocked her every way I can.

But by living here and seeing someone here she has a reason to cross my path every day all day. She has followed me, he has followed me, she goes to the places I like to go but does it on the nights that I like to go.

To understand what I am dealing with you need to understand her mentality. It’s not relentless in that she thinks about this all the time. It’s that they manipulate their world so they can be this way. I am going to put a full article from HG Tudor describing how hard this can be- Entitled “Why Not Let Me Go?”

Release – why will the narcissist let you go and get on with your life peacefully?

It is a common question that is asked of me. Why don’t you and your kind just let us be once you have disengaged from us, why do you have to keep coming back to us, why apply all that effort in hoovering us when you can go and get somebody new and concentrate on them instead? Why not release you? Those are fair queries but they fail to understand the dynamic that is at work in respect of why we keep coming back to you and why we will not release you. Here are the reasons why.

1.      Control. As I have explained previously, the Narcissistic Relationship lasts until either one of us dies. We need to remind you that you belong to us. We need to exert our rights under the Narcissistic Covenant and by hoovering you, this is the most blatant and effective way of doing so.

2.      Perspective. You are an extension of us. We attach you to us when we seduce you and suck the fuel from you. We do not truly discard you but instead there is a temporary cessation before we engage once again and continue to draw fuel from you. Since we do not regard you as a separate and distinct entity, but rather part of our powerful and far-reaching selves, we consider you to always be available and thus we keep hoovering you since in our minds you are part of us and thus within reach.

3.      Punishment. In some instances, which is dependent on the type of narcissist you are being punished for your transgressions against us. These transgressions may be numerous but most often they are to do with the fact that you escaped us and/or you failed to provide us with the necessary fuel when required. In order to demonstrate that we are superior to you, we deem it appropriate to punish you and thus you will be hoovered through malign follow up hoovers.

4.      Hoover fuel. This is the chief reason why we hoover. Hoover fuel is very potent, it is edifying and invigorating. Why is this? There is every likelihood that when we seek to hoover you post discard or post escape that you try to resist our overtures. This is because you have been devalued and abused, admittedly it is not always the case as some victims want us back regardless, but there are many who are at best reluctant and at worst determined to resist us. If we manage to draw a positive reaction from them or even a negative one, it reinforces our power over this person and causes the fuel to be even more powerful. If we manage to bring about the resumption of the Formal Relationship, then this is even better. We have emphasised just how much control we have over you and to have you return, either exhibiting joy, relief and thanks, the quality of this hoover fuel is impressive. Even if the victim provides no resistance to our hoover and willingly returns to us, pouring with positive fuel as we have allowed them back into our arms, the fact we know we can treat people the way that we do and they still want us and provide us with fuel results in potent hoover fuel for us as well. Knowing we can still evoke such emotion in people, after everything that we have done, laces the fuel with a particular power.

5.      Investment. You ought to be aware that we have invested our time and energy in you. This may well have been through the preparatory work that was engaged in when we targeted you, working out the relevant traits that you had which appeal to us, assessing your susceptibility to our seduction hoover and so forth. It also includes all of the effort that we put into your seduction and the devaluation thereafter. We know you. We know how you think, how you react, how you respond, how you act. We understand your mind. We know your strengths, your weaknesses, your vulnerabilities and your pressure points. We have ensured that you are attached to us, bound to us and functioning and therefore this solid and substantial investment in you is not just for an initial period of time. It is done so we can rely on this investment, time and time again in the future. We do not want to waste such a significant investment. This should enlighten you as to why it is just not easier to go and seduce somebody else. We have invested much in you and we want the return from our investment again and again and again. We will of course expend effort in securing new investment opportunities but we are not going to forgo previous investments as well.

6.      Compassion. Don’t get excited, I am not going to tell you that you can expect it, quite the opposite. Somebody other than us might decide that you have indeed had enough and move on and leave you alone. However, the fact that we lack compassion and remorse means that we see no reason to leave you alone. Your condition and state of mind are only relevant to us with regard to whether we can draw further fuel from you. We do not care that you are hurting, upset or that you are in pain.

7.      Entitlement. Our significant sense of entitlement means we can do as we please and naturally as someone who was once our primary source you are always going to be subject to the manifestation of this entitlement by us keeping coming back to you, subject of course to the conditions of the Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria which I have written about separately.

8.      Pleading. Do not think that pleading with us for relief, release and clemency will get you anywhere. Not only will this draw no response because of the lack of compassion as mentioned above but because you are providing us with fuel we will want more of it and therefore your pleading is something we want to see, but it will have no effect on us other than to make us want you to continue to plead and beg.

Thus there are several reasons why we will not release you  and let you move on. We will not grant you the freedom. You have to secure it yourself.

So securing my freedom when we practically live in the same space is where this gets tricky. I have tried to make myself radioactive, tried to show her she doesn’t affect me, tried to disappear, tried to make my presence uncomfortable for her. None of it is effective for more than a few days at a time. The only way through is to try and make her irrelevant and that is what I am working on. But it’s not easy when I don’t have more than a few days of distance from it. So for that reason I am restarting the clock. I am trying to purge her completely. Not just pretend she doesn’t exist. I can do that all the live long day. But it is pretending and I want to make it real.

This needs to work but I will try to be reasonable about it. Because the presence really doesn’t affect me that much it just keeps me engaged or aware enough to where this doesn’t go away. And I have wanted nothing more since last November than for her to go away.

Author: Matt

Hi, I’m Matt. Just your average uneventful guy. Dedicated Dad, emapth, and nurturer. Going through something I couldn’t possible ever thought possible. My story is called Broken. About an affair at the end of a long marriage and how ultimately I experienced the worst heartbreak of my life. It's honest, raw, and a little bit entertaining. I hope to share my story so people can learn while being therapeutic for myself.

3 thoughts on “Broken – 21 Days – Day 6 but back to 1”

  1. Hi Ladies, this is Darcey. As you know, Matt and I are close and we have talked a lot about what he’s gone through over the months. I just wanted to add some insight for you all in hopes that you will get to truly understand what Matt is trying to do right now with the 21 days of no contact. I have a degree in neuroscience, and I want to break things down for you. Matt has gotten ahold of his thinking in regards to Hailey. He is over her. His prefrontal cortex, which is where higher level thinking happens, is all set. He’s done with her and he has been for a long time. He passes her regularly on the street and ignores her. He looks right through her, “doesn’t see her,” etc. He even sat next to her and pretended she wasn’t even there. Trust me, he’s good. But what might be harder to understand is that the rest of his brain is causing his body to react when he sees her. It’s just a case of stimuli causing a reaction. It happens too quickly for anything he thinks to affect this. In his case, the stimuli is her face and the reaction is a spike in adrenaline that makes his heart skip. He can use his prefrontal cortex to quickly dissipate this reaction. It no longer affects him in any severe way. It happens, and then he goes about his day. What he wants is for this stimuli/response thing to stop. This is where 21 days comes in. If he can stop this from happening for this amount of time, he has a good chance that his brain will no longer cause his body to react like this. And then if he happens to see her on the street, in addition to him ignoring her and going about his day, his body will not react, his heart won’t skip etc.

    Hailey did this, by the way. Abusers addict their victims to drama, but what the drama actually is, is brain responses that cause floods of chemicals. The constant highs and lows cause responses in their bodies that the victims begin to crave in a subconscious way. Nobody would say they want this, but the undeniable fact is, their bodies do. Their brains do. Just like a herione addict craves their next hit. Matt wants it to stop. And he is almost there- he’s just trying to speed it up. That’s all.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Darcey! Nice to finally “meet you”, thank you for this explanation. It definitely does give us more insight, and it just sucks that he has to go through this. I’m glad he has you there to help him through this


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