Broken – I Want To Throw Up

It was real and what I thought it was. Hailey was considering going back with James. It was strange my heart didn’t hurt as much as I wanted to throw up. I told her that he will want to make you pay, he will want to be intimate with you. It literally disgusted me.


Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue

It was real and what I thought it was. Hailey was considering going back with James. It was strange my heart didn’t hurt as much as I wanted to throw up. I told her that he will want to make you pay, he will want to be intimate with you. It literally disgusted me. I said… “I can’t believe you are considering this. Can I help?”

She would rebuff and leave me out of it. We had dinner and she cried through it. It was just a meet up. I kissed her goodbye through her tears. She just said give me a few days to decompress from this. And just a few days before we entered lock down for the pandemic it came…

Hi, good morning. I’m not avoiding you, I have so much to think about.  I don’t want to say goodbye, I’d rather just let it be.  There is no discussion about us, as my thoughts lean only toward my family unit right now and you can’t help me with these things. So seeing you just leads to sadness and tears. You have been such a gift to me, I love you so very much.  But I have taken the last year  or so to care for myself, and I feel so much better about who I am.  Now it’s time to take care of my kids.   After 9+ months I realize this is not temporary, especially for my kids, and I don’t like it. It’s so hard even just 60% of the time to be a single mom.  I actually hate it.  I miss my family unit.  I can’t ignore it.  If I miss it, I cannot imagine how my kids feel.  I think about you every day.  I love you. xo 

Fuck!!! What could I say? She was avoiding me, anytime someone says that they are not avoiding you… they are. But no closure? No in person goodbye? WTF!! ALSO, HOW ARE YOU GOING BACK TO HIM?

I didn’t have much to respond to so all I could say was…

I appreciate your message and obviously have mixed feelings but right now there is something going on in the world and I just want to wish you and your babies safe. And let me know if you need something during this no questions asked or expectations placed.

She said thank you. And that was it, she was back with James by the beginning of April and my life had turned from hopeful and hard to just utter devastation in a matter of 4 months. I was also pissed, she questioned me about going back to my marriage and this? I had nothing left. I was so tired I didn’t even think to be heartbroken. Maybe some part of me thought there is no way she will last or maybe I was in denial. It did make me sick to my stomach.

I would go through many sleepless nights and nightmares in the weeks and months to come. And worse it was a global pandemic. Talk about the worst time ever to have a lot of time to think about something you don’t want to spend a lot of time thinking about. JUST FUUUUUUCKKK.

I needed to do something… I would continue to try to date and I also decided to reacquaint myself to running… I ran A LOT! I needed to get in shape and clear my head and there is nothing like running to help both. It was my therapy.

Good Bye Hailey. Damn. I am numb. Writing this makes me want to throw up all over again.

Author: Matt

Hi, I’m Matt. Just your average uneventful guy. Dedicated Dad, emapth, and nurturer. Going through something I couldn’t possible ever thought possible. My story is called Broken. About an affair at the end of a long marriage and how ultimately I experienced the worst heartbreak of my life. It's honest, raw, and a little bit entertaining. I hope to share my story so people can learn while being therapeutic for myself.

11 thoughts on “Broken – I Want To Throw Up”

    1. It was real. If it feels like it came out of nowhere for you. That is how it actually felt. A matter of a week. He was always trying to get her back. Thank you for that empathy. It is appreciated more than you know.

      Liked by 2 people

  1. Oh my god. Of all the twists and turns she could take she went for the ultimate triangulation again! James.
    This is going to sound absolutely awful but I’m going to say it anyway. Her going back to him at the beginning of the pandemic smacks of I need someone to lean on that I don’t have to work too hard for. James. I need someone who will accept me back because he will think he’s won, James. I need someone who can take care of me financially and I won’t have to bear any responsibility for myself or my actions. James. She also uses her children’s wellbeing like a weapon. She knows without doubt children are your Achilles heel.
    Quite frankly Hailey does not need a government health warning, she should be declared a weapon of mass destruction. I no longer believe that James is a full on narcissist, I think he is as played by her as you have been, I think she has messed him up royally over the years to the point he has no idea who he is without her. I believe that explains his behaviour far better than that of a narcissistic controller. Just the fact he took her back tells me he is a mess and he has feelings for her. God knows what they are though. If he was a full on narcissist he would not have made it that easy for her. It sounds to me like he was already well and truly back in the picture way before she spilled this particular can of beans. Jesus, 5 minutes in a room with her on my own… it’s all I would need…
    (((((((((((HUGS))))))))) Matt.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you. I think they were honestly manipulating each other. He was holding back support at certain points. But I think you could be right about her. He would constantly ask her back… constantly. I wish I could reveal things more about James but I just can’t.

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      1. I feel horrible for her kids, I agree with Gemma that she uses them to get what she wants. Her and James were made for each other, she allows him to think he has control over her while she’s manipulating him all along. I won’t be shocked to know that she’s cheating on him again in the near future

        Liked by 1 person

          1. wow! I’m not surprised and I’m sure hindsight is 20/20 to know that you were better off in the end without her. As hard and as painful as that thought is you deserve so much more.

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  2. I wish I was surprised by this…but I am not. When she was asking you about your marriage and wondering if you were thinking about working things out at home, even encouraging you to get couples’ therapy….I wondered if that is where her thoughts really were for herself. Hailey is not all that complicated, my friend. She is selfish and needs things to be dramatic, and she is going to do whatever she believes is best for her (in that moment). I am so sorry you got caught up in the web between them. Like Gemma, I am just not buying the story on James. I believe that she manipulates him to no end and that he is so desperately in love with her, he plays right into it. This is the game they play together, their “relationship script”….and you were smack dab in the middle of it.
    Sending you hugs, Matt…. While I know you needed to leave your marriage either way, I am sorry that you had to deal with both the pain of divorce and your family splitting up, AND all of this heartbreak with Hailey. She was never good enough for you, I hope you know that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think they were playing each other. She wasn’t going back if he wasn’t making that available. She will take the path of least resistance always. And he was going to make it easy before he was going to make it hard. They are a powder keg.

      And thank you so much Nora. You are very sweet.

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  3. I’m gonna say something a little different here. She is toxic and predictable. Obviously.

    The empath in ME doesn’t think she should get a “pass” for any of her ridiculous behavior. She has really BAD maladaptive and destructive patterns which unfortunately effect those around her. Yes, what she does in downright fucked up or infuriating…but really, she’s kind of a sorry and sad soul who might never learn a better way and take everyone down with her in her path. When you think about that, then she becomes…. sort of tragic.

    I know you know this – you cannot change her behavior but you can change yours. What’s that saying – insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting a different result?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I agree. Although I think at this point I didn’t have anyone to talk to. And maybe was blinded by the fact that I was in love. I never saw the totality of it all. I was just dealing with one crisis after another. Never able to reconcile the crisis before. Is that by design or a happy accident for her?

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