Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue
It was real and what I thought it was. Hailey was considering going back with James. It was strange my heart didn’t hurt as much as I wanted to throw up. I told her that he will want to make you pay, he will want to be intimate with you. It literally disgusted me. I said… “I can’t believe you are considering this. Can I help?”
She would rebuff and leave me out of it. We had dinner and she cried through it. It was just a meet up. I kissed her goodbye through her tears. She just said give me a few days to decompress from this. And just a few days before we entered lock down for the pandemic it came…
Hi, good morning. I’m not avoiding you, I have so much to think about. I don’t want to say goodbye, I’d rather just let it be. There is no discussion about us, as my thoughts lean only toward my family unit right now and you can’t help me with these things. So seeing you just leads to sadness and tears. You have been such a gift to me, I love you so very much. But I have taken the last year or so to care for myself, and I feel so much better about who I am. Now it’s time to take care of my kids. After 9+ months I realize this is not temporary, especially for my kids, and I don’t like it. It’s so hard even just 60% of the time to be a single mom. I actually hate it. I miss my family unit. I can’t ignore it. If I miss it, I cannot imagine how my kids feel. I think about you every day. I love you. xo
Fuck!!! What could I say? She was avoiding me, anytime someone says that they are not avoiding you… they are. But no closure? No in person goodbye? WTF!! ALSO, HOW ARE YOU GOING BACK TO HIM?
I didn’t have much to respond to so all I could say was…
I appreciate your message and obviously have mixed feelings but right now there is something going on in the world and I just want to wish you and your babies safe. And let me know if you need something during this no questions asked or expectations placed.
She said thank you. And that was it, she was back with James by the beginning of April and my life had turned from hopeful and hard to just utter devastation in a matter of 4 months. I was also pissed, she questioned me about going back to my marriage and this? I had nothing left. I was so tired I didn’t even think to be heartbroken. Maybe some part of me thought there is no way she will last or maybe I was in denial. It did make me sick to my stomach.
I would go through many sleepless nights and nightmares in the weeks and months to come. And worse it was a global pandemic. Talk about the worst time ever to have a lot of time to think about something you don’t want to spend a lot of time thinking about. JUST FUUUUUUCKKK.
I needed to do something… I would continue to try to date and I also decided to reacquaint myself to running… I ran A LOT! I needed to get in shape and clear my head and there is nothing like running to help both. It was my therapy.
Good Bye Hailey. Damn. I am numb. Writing this makes me want to throw up all over again.