Broken is a story that is best read Chronologically to start from the beginning – Prologue
When a Narcissist tries to use flattery, mirroring, compliments, adoration, and romance to lure and hook their person into their web. This is often determined as Love Bombing or Golden Period. Basically this is where they hook you.
So the concept is pretty simple it can last for a few months or a few years. But when people usually ask why do you still go back. It is because of this. The desire to get back to a place where you were in love. In love like you have never been before. It can also be the chemical high that this gave you. Not only are you fighting your heart you are fighting your body and mind.
It is also dangerous as in described in this interview in Cosmopolitan–
“Once the targeted person becomes hooked on the love bomber, the love bomber has not only gained control over their partner’s mind and heart, but they have also had their ego boosted. At this phase, they no longer have any use for their partner and begin the process of withdrawing from the relationship.”
“Once the love bomber begins to withdraw, they may begin emotionally abusing their partner. They may hurl insults, make disparaging remarks, gaslight, and cause their partner to feel invalidated and devalued. The love bomber is aware that they have control over their partner and may eventually walk away from the relationship, with an understanding that they can return at anytime to continue the cycle of abuse.”
This isn’t even necessarily conscious. With Hailey it is hard wired and automatic behavior. Just some facts. She had said I love you more times in 2.5 years then in my last 10 years of marriage. She drove by my house just for me to see her well over 200 times. I had sex with her more than anyone in my life that includes my nearly 20 year marriage.
She has said things like below over and over –
- “I think about you every day. I love you”
- “You have been such a gift to me, I love you so very much.”
- “I would bet I know your face more than any other person on earth every scar, mark, curve, wrinkle and I love it btw”
- “we met in February by May I was so over the moon in love with you I couldn’t hide it. It scared me”
- “Xo. I love you handsome. Your blue eyes make me melt”
- “I don’t just love you. I actually am in love”
- “You make me smile. And I love our sex.”
All of it unprompted. I don’t ‘love’ like she does. I am more action oriented. But this was omnipresent.
That type of attention and adoration was mostly constant. Daily and at least weekly unless I was in periods of devaluation. The thing about all this is I have never done anything different. I am only getting to be a consistent better version of myself. The only thing that changed was when I started to establish healthy boundaries.
My Golden period essentially lasted 18 months. It wasn’t until the “accept invitations” that I saw signs of the cracks. There were little control tests along the way. But this is what it was like. A constant barrage of love to a person who was needing it so bad.
And while this may sound sweet just remember that how could anyone say these things and do what she did once I made myself available to her. There is no reconciling it. Even in her worst moment she couldn’t say anything bad about me. She even said “it has nothing to do with you as a person.” Only a person/narcissist with real problems can’t turn it on or off like that. It has been about 5 months. And I still haven’t shut it off.
But the Love Bombing or Golden Period is an illusion and according to HG Tudor – “Devaluation always occurs with the Primary Intimate Partner because this person is who we rely on the most for our fuel provision and is the most important supplier. We thus engage with this person frequently, often live with this person, certainly see them almost every day, talk every day, do much together so we can draw on the positive fuel. The fuel is extremely potent to us and of critical consequence. However, this frequent reliance means that the risk of it becoming stale is very high and therefore devaluation follows.”
I have gone through 3 love bombing phases… all shorter than the previous ones. All to be followed by devaluation and disengagement then a subsequent hoover. And this cycle is what keeps you locked in by the time you settle into love bombing you are devalued, by the time you try to hold them accountable you are being disengaged with. Then by the time you are ready to let them go. You get the hoover. It’s exhausting yet extremely addictive.